This time LAST year, everything was such a blur. We were constantly at the doctors, in the hospital, and there was just 24/7 exhausting care, while trying to balance being a good mother, and I was trying to do it all by myself like had been for so many years. I knew that I had to make the decision to move in with Jamison's family. I finally admitted to myself that I could no longer do it on my own and that I desperately needed help. I was on the verge of completely falling apart. I am so glad that God laid it on my heart to take a leap of faith, not knowing very well, the family I was about to live with. I will tell you, I do not regret my decision. Jamison got to spend his final days surrounded by all the people that loved him most, up until his last breath. And I that, I think was the greatest last gift I could give to him. I could never express my gratitude for my "new" family. I gained a mom, a dad, brothers and sisters, and MANY nieces and nephews. They are my people and I know that they always have my back....and I think that they are Jamison's final gift to me and Liam. Even through death, that man managed to bring a family together, with overflowing love.
As I expected at the beginning of this year, 2018 turned out to be one of the hardest years of my life. But I SURVIVED. This year brought so much devastation/heartbreak, but it made me UNBREAKABLE. And although this year brought so much pain, it has brought me so much love and pure happiness. I am happy knowing that Jamison is no longer suffering and is in a far better place then we are. That brings me peace. Like I said, despite the pain, this year has brought so much more. Even the darkest days weren't dark enough to cover the light.
This year I bought my own house and I have slowly made it a perfect home for me and Liam. Over the summer, I took 2 trips to visit very dear friends out of state! I enjoyed my freedom to hop on a plan and enjoy a few days of summer with Liam, all while in the company of some fantastic people. This summer, I also visited home, talked with old friends, celebrated a few birthdays, and held a BRAND NEW BABY!
I FINALLY started school. I finally did something for myself and I did something I had been talking about doing for many years. Do you know how satisfying it is to start a goal that you've been after for so long, after many years of setbacks and disappointments?! Not only did I start school, I managed to excel! I did a kick ass job in my class, despite the days it wasn't easy. I questioned myself and my decisions many times. "Am I ready for this? Is this the right time? What if it gets to hard and I have to quit?" But I did it. And I did a damn good job at it!
This summer I also re-opened my heart and I am so happy that I did. I didn't think that I would ever find anyone to make me feel whole again, and I did. I found someone who loves me, so purely. He is beyond kind, generous, and so selfless. He loves me for me and loves Liam just the same, as his own. Along with a wonderful man to love, I gained four beautiful girls to love. I have so much love stored up in my heart to give and I am so happy that I am able to share it with my sweet man and his children. They are one of the biggest blessings I have ever been given.
With all that said, let me share a few things I've learned this year. Well really more like one thing: whatever you are going through, whatever battle you are facing, you will survive it. Have faith in yourself that you are strong enough to do so. Find your people and stick with them. And don't be afraid to ask for help. Find yourself some people that you can call at 2 am when you can't sleep, someone who will drop everything to be by your side. If you have to cry, lock yourself in the damn bathroom, and cry it out. Allow yourself to feel it when it becomes too much, the dry your eyes, pull yourself together, and continue on living. Live your best life.
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light"
