2018 Reflection

This time LAST year, everything was such a blur. We were constantly at the doctors, in the hospital, and there was just 24/7 exhausting care, while trying to balance being a good mother, and I was trying to do it all by myself like had been for so many years. I knew that I had to make the decision to move in with Jamison's family. I finally admitted to myself that I could no longer do it on my own and that I desperately needed help. I was on the verge of completely falling apart. I am so glad that God laid it on my heart to take a leap of faith, not knowing very well, the family I was about to live with. I will tell you, I do not regret my decision. Jamison got to spend his final days surrounded by all the people that loved him most, up until his last breath. And I that, I think was the greatest last gift I could give to him. I could never express my gratitude for my "new" family. I gained a mom, a dad, brothers and sisters, and MANY nieces and nephews. They are my people and I know that they always have my back....and I think that they are Jamison's final gift to me and Liam. Even through death, that man managed to bring a family together, with overflowing love. 

As I expected at the beginning of this year, 2018 turned out to be one of the hardest  years of my life. But I SURVIVED. This year brought so much devastation/heartbreak, but it made me UNBREAKABLE. And although this year brought so much pain, it has brought me so much love and pure happiness. I am happy knowing that Jamison is no longer suffering and is in a far better place then we are. That brings me peace. Like I said, despite the pain, this year has brought so much more. Even the darkest days weren't dark enough to cover the light. 

This year I bought my own house and I have slowly made it a perfect home for me and Liam. Over the summer, I took 2 trips to visit very dear friends out of state! I enjoyed my freedom to hop on a plan and enjoy a few days of summer with Liam, all while in the company of some fantastic people. This summer, I also visited home, talked with old friends, celebrated a few birthdays, and held a BRAND NEW BABY! 

I FINALLY started school. I finally did something for myself and I did something I had been talking about doing for many years. Do you know how satisfying it is to start a goal that you've been after for so long, after many years of setbacks and disappointments?! Not only did I start school, I managed to excel! I did a kick ass job in my class, despite the days it wasn't easy. I questioned myself and my decisions many times. "Am I ready for this? Is this the right time? What if it gets to hard and I have to quit?" But I did it. And I did a damn good job at it! 

This summer I also re-opened my heart and I am so happy that I did. I didn't think that I would ever find anyone to make me feel whole again, and I did. I found someone who loves me, so purely. He is beyond kind, generous, and so selfless. He loves me for me and loves Liam just the same, as his own. Along with a wonderful man to love, I gained four beautiful girls to love. I have so much love stored up in my heart to give and I am so happy that I am able to share it with my sweet man and his children. They are one of the biggest blessings I have ever been given. 

With all that said, let me share a few things I've learned this year. Well really more like one thing: whatever you are going through, whatever battle you are facing, you will survive it.  Have faith in yourself that you are strong enough to do so. Find your people and stick with them. And don't be afraid to ask for help. Find yourself some people that you can call at 2 am when you can't sleep, someone who will drop everything to be by your side. If you have to cry, lock yourself in the damn bathroom, and cry it out. Allow yourself to feel it when it becomes too much, the dry your eyes, pull yourself together, and continue on living. Live your best life. 


"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light"

Take it from me

With Thanksgiving coming up, let's see, TOMORROW, I just felt compelled to write about some advice for this time of year for you all. Over the last 2 years, I have been all to familiar with death. We've kind of become best friends, one that I have grown to not only to hate, but to somewhat appreciate. I have learned a lot from that little bitch they call death. A lot of things that I can give to you, to keep in mind this holiday season and really just every day.

1. PLEASE take lots of pictures. Pictures are really the only thing you have left when someone leaves this Earth. You would be surprised by how quickly certain memories of someone fade away. But at least pictures can help create a moment where time stands still for just a second.

2. You can never tell someone you love them enough. If you feel it, you say it. Speak it and show it. And NEVER stop doing it.

3. Stop worrying about the what you can not control. Seriously. It is not worth your time and effort. Just get over it and move on.

4. Don't ever be scared to start something new. Change is good. Change is hard, but it is good and necessary.

5. Be kind to people. It really isn't that hard. And you know what, sometimes go OUT of your way to be kind.

6. Love with no limits and no expectations. Love HARD. And don't be afraid to open yourself back up to it, even after a heartbreak. You'd be surprised by how much more you appreciate someone when you choose to do this.

7. I encourage you to call that person up that you've been meaning to catch up with... a friend, a family member....

8. Stop being so damn prideful, and apologize. Recognize when you are wrong. I bet it happens more then you are willing to admit.

9. PLEASE take a real pause and enjoy the small, simple things in life. Life is made up of all these special little moments that most people just overlook because we are too busy looking for something extraordinary. I encourage you to just take a look at the dinner table you sit at this Thanksgiving. I promise you that you will find what is most important is sitting there with you. Get lost in the moment, just for a second. All the sounds, sights, smells. Take it all in. Enjoy it.

In just a few short days, marks 9 months. Almost 272 days. Almost 6,528 hours. If you think about in 9 months, I've spent less then those 6,528 hours with my son, with my family, and with my friends. Doesn't really seem like enough time does it? But what I wouldn't give to just have 1 hour back with a healthy, living Jamison. 1 HOUR. 60 minutes. It would feel like a lifetime. 60 minutes to try and memorize ever line on his face, the depth of blue in his eyes. 60 minutes to try and remember what he smelled like and what his voice sounded like. I feel like the small details are already slipping through the cracks in my fingers, like water does. You try to cup your hand more and strain to keep your fingers together, but the water keeps seeping through the cracks, and eventually all the water is gone, despite how hard you tried to keep it there.

Guilt. If ya'll ever want to know what might be one of the hardest things to deal with as a widow of a sick husband, it is the guilt. The guilt that creeps in and tells you that you didn't do enough. That you got too impatient. Guilt because you were so tired and you just wanted more sleep, you started hating getting up in the middle of the night to help. Guilt because you were no longer a wife to the man you loved, but strictly a caregiver. Guilt because you protected yourself, and turned off all of your emotions in order to survive. Guilt for not having anything to say when your husband was crying in front of you because he knew, he just knew. The guilt you felt when you finally came to the realization that you just had to let go and BEG to God to please, take it all away, even if it meant He had to take your husband in the process.

Years. For years. I saw things that I can NEVER unsee. Scan after scan, drug after drug, surgery after surgery, doctor after doctor. Slowly watching my husband deteriorate in front of my eyes, while I had to sit back and let it happen. I watched him become a man I didn't even know anymore. The cancer and the meds made him sick, impatient, short, and quick to anger. None of these where attributes of the person I married. I watched him in pain, too many times and for too long. There is nothing more sickening then watching someone you love die, slowly, in front of you.

Almost 9 months. Almost 272 days. Almost 6,528 hours. I have woken up every day, despite how much I don't want to, and I have continued forward. Some days REALLY suck. Some days I feel like I got throat punched out of nowhere. But most days, most days I am ok. I am 100% confident as to where Jamison is and I know that I am going to be alright.

Did you see that J? I bought a whole damn house on my own and filled taxes this year! And I started school again, because I'm absolutely crazy. I'm making it and I'm going to keep making it, for you. I'm going to live my best damn life in honor of you.