Let's be honest. Who here can honestly tell me that their life so far has gone according to plan? I would bet money that 99.99% would say no. I can be honest, and say no too. I did not picture myself at 32, a single mom, a widow, and a college student. I pictured myself married, with 2-3 kids, working with children as a mental health counselor. But obviously my life didn't really stick that did it? But you know what? I wouldn't trade any of these veered off paths or broken roads for one, clear straight one. All of the mess and chaos brought me to where I am and made me a strong, unbreakable woman.
I was given a gift. A gift at a second chance. A gift at starting something new and trying to make it right this time. I have a second chance to live this life and make it all that I want it to be. I am finally on the road to attaining my dream job, something I wouldn't have even thought of doing if I didn't go through what I did. Nursing is a passion of mine and now, I couldn't picture myself using my talents anywhere else then being in the service of others.
Death taught me a lot about love. It taught me to reanalyze my heart. I told myself that the next person that came along would get the best of me. The new and improved version of me; the stronger, yet softer version of me. The version of me that was empathetic and quick to forgive. The version of me that would give 100% of my heart and who would appreciate even the smallest of moments between us. A version of me who learned to kiss more and hold them a little tighter. A person who would always say I love you even when I was mad. I couldn't wait to give all of this to someone, and to someone good. To someone I knew who would appreciate the kind of love I could offer. And then I found him. It was an instant connection, like I had known him all my life. It was as if the universe knew we needed each other (as corny as that may sound). I'm getting my second chance at love. A rare love; one that could make Mr. D'arcy and Elizabeth jealous.
When I pictured my life, I saw 2-3 kids running around my house. Hearing their pitter patter on the floors on Saturday morning and waking up to their sleepy faces every day. And you know what? I got it. Does it look like how I imagined? Not at all... it's even better. That 2-3 kids I pictured turned in to 5. That is 5 sleepy, but beautiful faces and that is 5 sets of feet I get to hear scurry across the floor. That is 5 sets of arms to wrap in to a hug and that is 5 hearts I get to love unconditionally. So yes, when I say that my life didn't turn out the way I planned, I am okay with it.. because I was given so much more then I could have dreamed of.
My heart is so very full and I am so lucky to have this second chance. A second chance to get the life I always wanted.
Thursday, October 10, 2019
Monday, December 17, 2018
2018 Reflection
This time LAST year, everything was such a blur. We were constantly at the doctors, in the hospital, and there was just 24/7 exhausting care, while trying to balance being a good mother, and I was trying to do it all by myself like had been for so many years. I knew that I had to make the decision to move in with Jamison's family. I finally admitted to myself that I could no longer do it on my own and that I desperately needed help. I was on the verge of completely falling apart. I am so glad that God laid it on my heart to take a leap of faith, not knowing very well, the family I was about to live with. I will tell you, I do not regret my decision. Jamison got to spend his final days surrounded by all the people that loved him most, up until his last breath. And I that, I think was the greatest last gift I could give to him. I could never express my gratitude for my "new" family. I gained a mom, a dad, brothers and sisters, and MANY nieces and nephews. They are my people and I know that they always have my back....and I think that they are Jamison's final gift to me and Liam. Even through death, that man managed to bring a family together, with overflowing love.
As I expected at the beginning of this year, 2018 turned out to be one of the hardest years of my life. But I SURVIVED. This year brought so much devastation/heartbreak, but it made me UNBREAKABLE. And although this year brought so much pain, it has brought me so much love and pure happiness. I am happy knowing that Jamison is no longer suffering and is in a far better place then we are. That brings me peace. Like I said, despite the pain, this year has brought so much more. Even the darkest days weren't dark enough to cover the light.
This year I bought my own house and I have slowly made it a perfect home for me and Liam. Over the summer, I took 2 trips to visit very dear friends out of state! I enjoyed my freedom to hop on a plan and enjoy a few days of summer with Liam, all while in the company of some fantastic people. This summer, I also visited home, talked with old friends, celebrated a few birthdays, and held a BRAND NEW BABY!
I FINALLY started school. I finally did something for myself and I did something I had been talking about doing for many years. Do you know how satisfying it is to start a goal that you've been after for so long, after many years of setbacks and disappointments?! Not only did I start school, I managed to excel! I did a kick ass job in my class, despite the days it wasn't easy. I questioned myself and my decisions many times. "Am I ready for this? Is this the right time? What if it gets to hard and I have to quit?" But I did it. And I did a damn good job at it!
This summer I also re-opened my heart and I am so happy that I did. I didn't think that I would ever find anyone to make me feel whole again, and I did. I found someone who loves me, so purely. He is beyond kind, generous, and so selfless. He loves me for me and loves Liam just the same, as his own. Along with a wonderful man to love, I gained four beautiful girls to love. I have so much love stored up in my heart to give and I am so happy that I am able to share it with my sweet man and his children. They are one of the biggest blessings I have ever been given.
With all that said, let me share a few things I've learned this year. Well really more like one thing: whatever you are going through, whatever battle you are facing, you will survive it. Have faith in yourself that you are strong enough to do so. Find your people and stick with them. And don't be afraid to ask for help. Find yourself some people that you can call at 2 am when you can't sleep, someone who will drop everything to be by your side. If you have to cry, lock yourself in the damn bathroom, and cry it out. Allow yourself to feel it when it becomes too much, the dry your eyes, pull yourself together, and continue on living. Live your best life.
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light"
As I expected at the beginning of this year, 2018 turned out to be one of the hardest years of my life. But I SURVIVED. This year brought so much devastation/heartbreak, but it made me UNBREAKABLE. And although this year brought so much pain, it has brought me so much love and pure happiness. I am happy knowing that Jamison is no longer suffering and is in a far better place then we are. That brings me peace. Like I said, despite the pain, this year has brought so much more. Even the darkest days weren't dark enough to cover the light.
This year I bought my own house and I have slowly made it a perfect home for me and Liam. Over the summer, I took 2 trips to visit very dear friends out of state! I enjoyed my freedom to hop on a plan and enjoy a few days of summer with Liam, all while in the company of some fantastic people. This summer, I also visited home, talked with old friends, celebrated a few birthdays, and held a BRAND NEW BABY!
I FINALLY started school. I finally did something for myself and I did something I had been talking about doing for many years. Do you know how satisfying it is to start a goal that you've been after for so long, after many years of setbacks and disappointments?! Not only did I start school, I managed to excel! I did a kick ass job in my class, despite the days it wasn't easy. I questioned myself and my decisions many times. "Am I ready for this? Is this the right time? What if it gets to hard and I have to quit?" But I did it. And I did a damn good job at it!
This summer I also re-opened my heart and I am so happy that I did. I didn't think that I would ever find anyone to make me feel whole again, and I did. I found someone who loves me, so purely. He is beyond kind, generous, and so selfless. He loves me for me and loves Liam just the same, as his own. Along with a wonderful man to love, I gained four beautiful girls to love. I have so much love stored up in my heart to give and I am so happy that I am able to share it with my sweet man and his children. They are one of the biggest blessings I have ever been given.
With all that said, let me share a few things I've learned this year. Well really more like one thing: whatever you are going through, whatever battle you are facing, you will survive it. Have faith in yourself that you are strong enough to do so. Find your people and stick with them. And don't be afraid to ask for help. Find yourself some people that you can call at 2 am when you can't sleep, someone who will drop everything to be by your side. If you have to cry, lock yourself in the damn bathroom, and cry it out. Allow yourself to feel it when it becomes too much, the dry your eyes, pull yourself together, and continue on living. Live your best life.
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light"
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
Take it from me
With Thanksgiving coming up, let's see, TOMORROW, I just felt compelled to write about some advice for this time of year for you all. Over the last 2 years, I have been all to familiar with death. We've kind of become best friends, one that I have grown to not only to hate, but to somewhat appreciate. I have learned a lot from that little bitch they call death. A lot of things that I can give to you, to keep in mind this holiday season and really just every day.
1. PLEASE take lots of pictures. Pictures are really the only thing you have left when someone leaves this Earth. You would be surprised by how quickly certain memories of someone fade away. But at least pictures can help create a moment where time stands still for just a second.
2. You can never tell someone you love them enough. If you feel it, you say it. Speak it and show it. And NEVER stop doing it.
3. Stop worrying about the what you can not control. Seriously. It is not worth your time and effort. Just get over it and move on.
4. Don't ever be scared to start something new. Change is good. Change is hard, but it is good and necessary.
5. Be kind to people. It really isn't that hard. And you know what, sometimes go OUT of your way to be kind.
6. Love with no limits and no expectations. Love HARD. And don't be afraid to open yourself back up to it, even after a heartbreak. You'd be surprised by how much more you appreciate someone when you choose to do this.
7. I encourage you to call that person up that you've been meaning to catch up with... a friend, a family member....
8. Stop being so damn prideful, and apologize. Recognize when you are wrong. I bet it happens more then you are willing to admit.
9. PLEASE take a real pause and enjoy the small, simple things in life. Life is made up of all these special little moments that most people just overlook because we are too busy looking for something extraordinary. I encourage you to just take a look at the dinner table you sit at this Thanksgiving. I promise you that you will find what is most important is sitting there with you. Get lost in the moment, just for a second. All the sounds, sights, smells. Take it all in. Enjoy it.
1. PLEASE take lots of pictures. Pictures are really the only thing you have left when someone leaves this Earth. You would be surprised by how quickly certain memories of someone fade away. But at least pictures can help create a moment where time stands still for just a second.
2. You can never tell someone you love them enough. If you feel it, you say it. Speak it and show it. And NEVER stop doing it.
3. Stop worrying about the what you can not control. Seriously. It is not worth your time and effort. Just get over it and move on.
4. Don't ever be scared to start something new. Change is good. Change is hard, but it is good and necessary.
5. Be kind to people. It really isn't that hard. And you know what, sometimes go OUT of your way to be kind.
6. Love with no limits and no expectations. Love HARD. And don't be afraid to open yourself back up to it, even after a heartbreak. You'd be surprised by how much more you appreciate someone when you choose to do this.
7. I encourage you to call that person up that you've been meaning to catch up with... a friend, a family member....
8. Stop being so damn prideful, and apologize. Recognize when you are wrong. I bet it happens more then you are willing to admit.
9. PLEASE take a real pause and enjoy the small, simple things in life. Life is made up of all these special little moments that most people just overlook because we are too busy looking for something extraordinary. I encourage you to just take a look at the dinner table you sit at this Thanksgiving. I promise you that you will find what is most important is sitting there with you. Get lost in the moment, just for a second. All the sounds, sights, smells. Take it all in. Enjoy it.
Thursday, October 18, 2018
In just a few short days, marks 9 months. Almost 272 days. Almost 6,528 hours. If you think about in 9 months, I've spent less then those 6,528 hours with my son, with my family, and with my friends. Doesn't really seem like enough time does it? But what I wouldn't give to just have 1 hour back with a healthy, living Jamison. 1 HOUR. 60 minutes. It would feel like a lifetime. 60 minutes to try and memorize ever line on his face, the depth of blue in his eyes. 60 minutes to try and remember what he smelled like and what his voice sounded like. I feel like the small details are already slipping through the cracks in my fingers, like water does. You try to cup your hand more and strain to keep your fingers together, but the water keeps seeping through the cracks, and eventually all the water is gone, despite how hard you tried to keep it there.
Guilt. If ya'll ever want to know what might be one of the hardest things to deal with as a widow of a sick husband, it is the guilt. The guilt that creeps in and tells you that you didn't do enough. That you got too impatient. Guilt because you were so tired and you just wanted more sleep, you started hating getting up in the middle of the night to help. Guilt because you were no longer a wife to the man you loved, but strictly a caregiver. Guilt because you protected yourself, and turned off all of your emotions in order to survive. Guilt for not having anything to say when your husband was crying in front of you because he knew, he just knew. The guilt you felt when you finally came to the realization that you just had to let go and BEG to God to please, take it all away, even if it meant He had to take your husband in the process.
Years. For years. I saw things that I can NEVER unsee. Scan after scan, drug after drug, surgery after surgery, doctor after doctor. Slowly watching my husband deteriorate in front of my eyes, while I had to sit back and let it happen. I watched him become a man I didn't even know anymore. The cancer and the meds made him sick, impatient, short, and quick to anger. None of these where attributes of the person I married. I watched him in pain, too many times and for too long. There is nothing more sickening then watching someone you love die, slowly, in front of you.
Almost 9 months. Almost 272 days. Almost 6,528 hours. I have woken up every day, despite how much I don't want to, and I have continued forward. Some days REALLY suck. Some days I feel like I got throat punched out of nowhere. But most days, most days I am ok. I am 100% confident as to where Jamison is and I know that I am going to be alright.
Did you see that J? I bought a whole damn house on my own and filled taxes this year! And I started school again, because I'm absolutely crazy. I'm making it and I'm going to keep making it, for you. I'm going to live my best damn life in honor of you.
Guilt. If ya'll ever want to know what might be one of the hardest things to deal with as a widow of a sick husband, it is the guilt. The guilt that creeps in and tells you that you didn't do enough. That you got too impatient. Guilt because you were so tired and you just wanted more sleep, you started hating getting up in the middle of the night to help. Guilt because you were no longer a wife to the man you loved, but strictly a caregiver. Guilt because you protected yourself, and turned off all of your emotions in order to survive. Guilt for not having anything to say when your husband was crying in front of you because he knew, he just knew. The guilt you felt when you finally came to the realization that you just had to let go and BEG to God to please, take it all away, even if it meant He had to take your husband in the process.
Years. For years. I saw things that I can NEVER unsee. Scan after scan, drug after drug, surgery after surgery, doctor after doctor. Slowly watching my husband deteriorate in front of my eyes, while I had to sit back and let it happen. I watched him become a man I didn't even know anymore. The cancer and the meds made him sick, impatient, short, and quick to anger. None of these where attributes of the person I married. I watched him in pain, too many times and for too long. There is nothing more sickening then watching someone you love die, slowly, in front of you.
Almost 9 months. Almost 272 days. Almost 6,528 hours. I have woken up every day, despite how much I don't want to, and I have continued forward. Some days REALLY suck. Some days I feel like I got throat punched out of nowhere. But most days, most days I am ok. I am 100% confident as to where Jamison is and I know that I am going to be alright.
Did you see that J? I bought a whole damn house on my own and filled taxes this year! And I started school again, because I'm absolutely crazy. I'm making it and I'm going to keep making it, for you. I'm going to live my best damn life in honor of you.
Friday, October 5, 2012
11 weeks old
So, I am so bad at keeping up with this blogging thing!! Last time I wrote anything I was 30 weeks preggy...and now Liam is 11 weeks old!! OMG! I need to start documenting all of this moments in his life considering it seems baby books are no longer in existence!
Our sweet baby Liam was born on July 20, 2012 at 12:31 am and he weighed a whopping 7 lbs. 14 oz. and he was 20 1/2 inches long.
Whelllllpppp, he isn't that small anymore! This kid can hold his head up all on his own, talks ( a lot of ahhgooo and ohhhhh gawww sounds) up a storm, he can smile, and he can grasp and object. OH and now he was 11 whole pounds, which by the way is so heavy when you have to carry him around in that darn car seat.
Our sweet baby Liam was born on July 20, 2012 at 12:31 am and he weighed a whopping 7 lbs. 14 oz. and he was 20 1/2 inches long.
Whelllllpppp, he isn't that small anymore! This kid can hold his head up all on his own, talks ( a lot of ahhgooo and ohhhhh gawww sounds) up a storm, he can smile, and he can grasp and object. OH and now he was 11 whole pounds, which by the way is so heavy when you have to carry him around in that darn car seat.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Whoa Baby
Wowzerz guys! It has been way too long since I have blogged. I believe my last blog was in November, which must have been right before I found out I was preggo!!!! Why have I not documented every moment of my pregnant journey?! Well, I guess I kind of have for those of you who are on Facebook!
Well let's just write a SHORT synopsis on my first pregnancy for my own documentation:
We found that we were expecting JUST before Thanksgiving! We drove around Florida visiting Jamison's family and then up to Orlando to visit mine. Some how by the grace of God, I was fine for WHOLE Thanksgiving weekend which allowed me to eat all that delicious food! The second we got back from visiting family, I became VIOLENTLY ill with morning/afternoon/night sickness. Seriously guys, it was the WORST 2 weeks of my life before I actually called the doctor. I was concerned that I was going to have to go the hospital because I couldn't keep anything down, not even water. Luckily, they make this amazing pill that helps with nausea and vomiting. It was so nice to be able to eat REAL food again. Let's just say, I won't be eating soup or crackers for a very, very long time.
Despite the pill, the morning sickness did not completely go away until I was a little over 6 months pregnant. I KNOW...holy crap. Now I am pill free and somewhat enjoying being pregnant!
Let's fast forward: I am now almost 30 weeks pregnant!! SO close, but SO far away! I am starting to become "bored" with being pregnant in a sense. I used to feel cute with my little baby bump, but now Liam is growing so much and will continue to grow. Now I just feel HUGE and I still have 10 weeks to go! I am getting impatient because I just want to meet him already! I can't wait to hold him and kiss his little nose and hands!!! His nursery is pretty much complete and now all we need is a baby to put in it!
I have also been getting very overwhelmed thinking of all the things to come. Jamison is currently and will continue to work 70+ hours a week, 6 days a week until we move to our next destination in March/April 2013. Ahhhhhh! I know Jamison will help out when he can, but I don't really expect too much help! I mean, in all actuality he is home enough to eat dinner, relax a little bit, and then go to bed! Luckily, I live MUCH closer to my family than I did in Virginia, so that is a big plus and I am sure that they will be a HUGE help!!! Let's pray that the next place we are sent to for Jamison's job is in Florida as well!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Eat, Sleep, Facebook, Look for a job
So, I totally have not written anything since April! I went back and read my other blogs, and realized that I pretty much use this as a way to complain. I guess I have had nothing to complain about since April, because you know, I totally had my life re-figured out and this NEW plan was going to be the one, the ultimate plan, the one that worked out they way I wanted it to! Well, I'm guessing God had quite a chuckle in August when I found out we'd be MOVING again!!!! Now, don't get me wrong, I was and still am very excited to be back in my home state, but I have been very confused as to why it took so long! Why did we have to move? I mean, I was about to start school (something I was struggling with for a long time), I had a job set up with the most wonderful family, and I had and AWESOME group of friends/church family!
Fast forward:
Now we are entering the second week of November!! We are pretty much all moved in to our townhome, which I must say, is probably the nicest place we've ever lived in together! We live in Homestead, FL which for those of you who don't know your FL geography, that is SOUTH of Miami and is the city that Hurricane Andrew destroyed in 1992! Basically, we were advised to live in a gated community here...um yea.
Jamison is currently working 10 hour days, 6 yes I said SIX days a week! Starting next year his 60 hour work weeks will turn into 70-80 hour work weeks! Yay!
Hmm, let's see what else... oh that is right, I have NO job! Oh what bundles of fun that is. Yes, taking a vacation from work is nice, but when you have no money and no place to go, not working is the most boring thing. I applied for a teaching certificate and I am currently trying to work at ANY school that will take me in..or actually, ANY place that will take me! It is not the money that I am worried about, it is my SANITY! I don't know how people choose to be unemployed!
Well, let's see what else. Oh, I made sure that we found a church near us! We started going there about a month ago and we enjoy it. No church could ever compare to our beloved Trinity, but it will be ok. I am already signed up to teach 3 year old Sunday school and we are thinking if joining a young couples group (kind of like a CG).
Needless to say, even though I am happy to be home and near my family, I still have to re-adjust! BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT the thing that puts the cherry on top of all of this experience is this: in a little less than a year and 1/2, we will be moving again (a small, minor detail that was not really mentioned to us when this job was offered). Oh joy, another place where I will have to try and make new friends, find a new church, and maybe find a job (ha).
Fast forward:
Now we are entering the second week of November!! We are pretty much all moved in to our townhome, which I must say, is probably the nicest place we've ever lived in together! We live in Homestead, FL which for those of you who don't know your FL geography, that is SOUTH of Miami and is the city that Hurricane Andrew destroyed in 1992! Basically, we were advised to live in a gated community here...um yea.
Jamison is currently working 10 hour days, 6 yes I said SIX days a week! Starting next year his 60 hour work weeks will turn into 70-80 hour work weeks! Yay!
Hmm, let's see what else... oh that is right, I have NO job! Oh what bundles of fun that is. Yes, taking a vacation from work is nice, but when you have no money and no place to go, not working is the most boring thing. I applied for a teaching certificate and I am currently trying to work at ANY school that will take me in..or actually, ANY place that will take me! It is not the money that I am worried about, it is my SANITY! I don't know how people choose to be unemployed!
Well, let's see what else. Oh, I made sure that we found a church near us! We started going there about a month ago and we enjoy it. No church could ever compare to our beloved Trinity, but it will be ok. I am already signed up to teach 3 year old Sunday school and we are thinking if joining a young couples group (kind of like a CG).
Needless to say, even though I am happy to be home and near my family, I still have to re-adjust! BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT the thing that puts the cherry on top of all of this experience is this: in a little less than a year and 1/2, we will be moving again (a small, minor detail that was not really mentioned to us when this job was offered). Oh joy, another place where I will have to try and make new friends, find a new church, and maybe find a job (ha).
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Jesus is a' callin'
I have REALLY been having a tug on my heart about teaching Sunday school. For those of you that don't know, I teach 3-4 yr. olds on Sunday and I have really been getting burnt out and bored with it. It is hard for me because most Sundays, I am just annoyed with the fact that I have to be there when really I should be joyful in teaching the Word of God. How can the children be excited to learn about it when I am not?! I have really been praying about this and I realized that the preschool age is not the way for me and I am really interested in teaching middle school. Preschool Sunday school is easy peezy lemon squezzy and does not challenge me AT ALL. I can't have deep, meaningful conversations, I don't feel as needed by the younger kids, and the stories are just to easy!! I mean how hard is it to teach about God's love through the story of Noah OR about how flippin' AWESOME Jesus is through all the stories of His mircales?
The Lord has reminded me repeatedly how much the middle schoolers REALLY need a positive role model. I have also been reminded about how much middle school just sucked- I mean so many things are changing, peer pressure, gossip, I mean total nightmare! When all this stuff starts coming into play, I feel that it is the most important time for kids to be reminded of God's grace and that no matter how "gross" their hearts are, He loves us. These kids need someone that they can relate to and someone that can be honest and vulnerable with them about how "disgusting" my own heart is and the challenges I face as an adult. I am ready to be challenged by these kids, to learn from them, and to just constantly remind them of how much we are loved by the Lord. Thinking about teaching next year gets me so excited to have some awesome convos about J.E.S.U.S.!!!!!
The Lord has reminded me repeatedly how much the middle schoolers REALLY need a positive role model. I have also been reminded about how much middle school just sucked- I mean so many things are changing, peer pressure, gossip, I mean total nightmare! When all this stuff starts coming into play, I feel that it is the most important time for kids to be reminded of God's grace and that no matter how "gross" their hearts are, He loves us. These kids need someone that they can relate to and someone that can be honest and vulnerable with them about how "disgusting" my own heart is and the challenges I face as an adult. I am ready to be challenged by these kids, to learn from them, and to just constantly remind them of how much we are loved by the Lord. Thinking about teaching next year gets me so excited to have some awesome convos about J.E.S.U.S.!!!!!
Friday, April 1, 2011
David Williamson MUST pray every Tuesday
Holy cannoli! What an amazing two weeks this has been! I found out I was accepted into the Mental Health Counseling program at ODU! I was really excited about this until I thought about how the hell I was going to pay for it?! Here is the deal: I have been waiting to hear if I have received an assitantship to help me pay for grad school, but the problem was that I had to accept my invitation to the program within TWO weeks of receiving my letter. ACK! This decision weighed heavily on my mind for a whole week: Do I just accept it and if I don't get an assistantship, just don't go? Do I go and take out 3967483769846984736ion dollars in loans? OR Do I just defer my acceptance into spring, in hopes that maybe my, what seemed so FAR away, dream would come true? Well, thanks to you, David Williamson, my prayers for getting into ODU have been answered. But let's take this even further by saying, THANK YOU David, God must have heard you, yes only you, and answered my money situation! The program can be done part-time, which means I can continue to work and go to school at the same time!! Whoop whoop!
On a more serious note, I have, myself, been praying about this issue for a long time. It was really weighing on me and thinking about this was so exhausting! Tuesday night I feel asleep praying to God that I would somehow work this out and that I would be content with any decision made. You know, my prayers were answered, maybe not the way I really expected them to be answered but they were answered....
So David, please please please, pray every Tuesday: ONLY your prayers will do!
On a more serious note, I have, myself, been praying about this issue for a long time. It was really weighing on me and thinking about this was so exhausting! Tuesday night I feel asleep praying to God that I would somehow work this out and that I would be content with any decision made. You know, my prayers were answered, maybe not the way I really expected them to be answered but they were answered....
So David, please please please, pray every Tuesday: ONLY your prayers will do!
Friday, February 11, 2011
I got my mind on my money, my money on my mind..
Money.....
Ohhhhhh.emmmmmmm.gggeeeeeeeeee
One of our biggest idols. Money. Crap. I am totally guilty of LOVING money, the idea of money, and LOVING all the things that money can buy! I find myself daydreaming ALL the time about things that I can buy; I even have a list on my fridge of all the things I need/want and will probably be getting in the near future.
I defintely have a LOVE/HATE relationship with money. By that, I mean I LOVE having money and spending it, but I HATE not having enough money and having to worry about how the hell are we ever going to afford a house,GRAD SCHOOOOOOOLLL, kids??!!! How are we ever going to get our life started?! You know, get all the things that you are supposed to get after you get married?!
Here comes the dreaded thought, rising up from the pit of my stomach like word vomit:
..Student loans..
But wait. That is not part of our plan! More money? Take out more money?! But we've already taken out enough! This isn't fair. We were going to save some money!
Money. Money. Money.
It is so hard to not think about it all the time when living requires you to have a lot of it. I think this might be one of the hardest things and will continue to be one of the hardest things to ever just let go of. Why is it so hard to be faithful enough to know that we will be taken care of, no matter how many dollllaaaas we have in the bank? How do you do that? Am I a bad person because I feel like I might not be able to EVER get over this?
Ohhhhhh.emmmmmmm.gggeeeeeeeeee
One of our biggest idols. Money. Crap. I am totally guilty of LOVING money, the idea of money, and LOVING all the things that money can buy! I find myself daydreaming ALL the time about things that I can buy; I even have a list on my fridge of all the things I need/want and will probably be getting in the near future.
I defintely have a LOVE/HATE relationship with money. By that, I mean I LOVE having money and spending it, but I HATE not having enough money and having to worry about how the hell are we ever going to afford a house,GRAD SCHOOOOOOOLLL, kids??!!! How are we ever going to get our life started?! You know, get all the things that you are supposed to get after you get married?!
Here comes the dreaded thought, rising up from the pit of my stomach like word vomit:
..Student loans..
But wait. That is not part of our plan! More money? Take out more money?! But we've already taken out enough! This isn't fair. We were going to save some money!
Money. Money. Money.
It is so hard to not think about it all the time when living requires you to have a lot of it. I think this might be one of the hardest things and will continue to be one of the hardest things to ever just let go of. Why is it so hard to be faithful enough to know that we will be taken care of, no matter how many dollllaaaas we have in the bank? How do you do that? Am I a bad person because I feel like I might not be able to EVER get over this?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Extra Virgin Olive Blog
Sooo, I honestly have no idea what I am doing or what to write about. I am currently not working (not for long, thank goodness) so I honestly have NOTHING to do on a day like today when I feel I might be getting sick and there is snow on the ground. I will not be driving anywhere today, because honestly, I do not know how to drive in the snow, nor does anyone else in VA for that matter. Maybe I should start doing the challenge of reading a book every week, but I have a feeling that task might fail once I am enrolled in school and probably won't have much time to really think for myself.
Ohhhh, school. My one and only child. Unfortunately, the program I am interested in is a MUST full time program and they "suggest" not having a job during it. Well guess what ODU, some people need to work to pay for their credit card bills that they have maxed out because of being in school. Needless to say, starting in August, I will no longer have time for myself or anything else. Between working 5 days a week and 4 classes, I am pretty sure I won't even have time for my hubby or even sleep. But hey, who needs sleep? Yes, maybe when you have a degree you make about $25,000 more per year than if you didn't, but I have come to realize that this statistic is crap. I say this because I have already spent about 30 grand on my undergrad degree and will be spending another 30-50 grand on my Masters. Well, I won't be making 100 grand when I graduate soooo...I should have just stayed working at the grocery store, the hours suck, but I wouldn't have any debt and I'd be making really good money. So really, once I am done with college, my job will basically pay for what I spent to go to college and I will paying it for the rest of my life. But nooo, we were told to go to college, get a good job, get payed well, blah blah blah....frustrating!
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